epiphany

Wow. So, going to church really made me feel good. Not because I was worshiping God, not because I was in the presence of a lot of peaceful people, but because it took me back to a time when I felt pure. I realized that I haven't felt that way since I was a teenager, since before I took the drinking too far, since before I became a jaded adult. It was also nice because it was so familiar. Unity hasn't changed in the 13 years since I've been to church. My theological concepts have changed since I was 18, but it was a nice vacation back to that time, even so.

I miss that feeling. I miss feeling balanced and Good. I knew my life was fucked up because of family stuff, but I knew at the same time that I was Good, even if they weren't. I knew that I didn't deserve the life I had and that my soul was untarnished. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel bruised and I think I've let my wounds go untreated for too long. I want that good feeling back. I used to love myself. I used to know I was worth being loved by others. What the fuck happened to me?

This is so much more than just having a problem with alcohol, I know that. I've never really healed. I've talked about things until I'm blue in the face, but that doesn't mean I'm better, it just means I'm conscious of the fact that I'm not healthy. The root of the problem is that I've forgotten how to love myself. I left an abusive situation and instead of getting better, I began to abuse myself. I internalized all the things my mother told me about myself, that I'm an ingrate, that I can't be trusted, that I had evil in me, that all I care about is myself (which is actually healthy) and took it upon myself to make sure I got the punishment I deserved. Part of it is numbing myself to try and forget my prior life, and part of it is numbing myself so that the blows I was taking from myself couldn't be felt.

Well. Anyway. Where to go from here? I want more of that feeling, it's better than any chemical out there. What I'm going to do is examine my life and see what needs to change and rededicate myself to finding balance and putting good, positive energy out in to the world. That might be even harder than not drinking, because I have so much negativity that I've had for so long pent up in me to expel. The first step is finding a way to believe that I'm still Good. I haven't really changed that much since I was young, I've just maladjusted to life after abuse. I think I'm still Good, I just have to get the thought to make the feelings. Thinking only does so much; I think for change to happen, it's gotta be truly felt.

So... this is my hippy dippy post after church. Whatever, whatever it takes to find myself again. I deserve to be happy.