Day 19

I'm getting closer and closer to a whole month of sobriety! Yeah!

I just got back from therapy. My therapist is great. We talked a lot about interrupting the trigger/thought/emotional response=action process, so that my action is focusing on my breathing (and not wanting to drink), eventually this should happen automatically. It takes 17 consecutively repeated actions to make something a habit, so maybe this won't take that long. He said he totally respects my decision that IOP is not for me and said he thinks it's great that I know myself and am listening to myself.

We also talked about self-love and self-soothing, since these are things that I have forgotten how to do. I'm actually not sure that I ever learned how to self-soothe. He gave me a book by one of my favorite Buddhist monks, Thich Nhat Hanh, called Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life. It focuses a lot on self-soothing behavior and talk. I'll start it today while the kid is napping.

I also need to start working on the piece I pitched to one of my editors at the blog I write for about drinking in the queer community. I haven't even started it and it's due Sunday. I honestly don't know where to begin. I don't want to come off as annoying, all "hey guys!! I just quit drinking and now I'm judging and 'shoulding' you! Don't drink! Alcohol is bad!" because that's not where I'm really coming from. I realize not everybody is an alcoholic in the queer community, but I wish there were more social alternatives to the bar/party scene. Why don't we have more bowling leagues? Does anybody want to learn to play tennis? Maybe we could start a book and tea club that meets in the evenings. I miss going out. I miss having things to do at night - even though I often chose to stay in alone and drink by myself.

Since getting out of detox and stopping drinking, I've lost weight, which I didn't think would happen because I've been eating more than I used to when I was drinking. I have to pay attention to not letting myself get too skinny, because then I start obsessing over my body and trying to get skinnier. It's really unhealthy and I don't realize I'm doing it until I've been doing it for a while. So I have to be conscious but not too conscious. It's a fine line. Gah... so many fucking issues, I have. Luckily I still have my belly. I don't think that's gonna go away any time soon.

Well, it's cloudy and it's supposed to rain all day. But I slept well last night, and I had good dreams, and therapy was very productive, and I'm in a pretty good mood and looking forward to hanging out with the kiddo. He has a new bicycle and a new lawnmower that I think we'll take outside today if it isn't raining. Or we can take a walk in the rain because he loves wearing his raincoat and carrying his "yella" (umbrella).

I guess my pattern with this blog is a morning update and an evening update (more often than not). I think all the writing is good for me and for helping me to process my emotions. I write a lot anyway, because it's always helpful to see a struggle on paper (or just in text, I guess), it helps me put things into perspective.