Day 17/ fuck outpatient tonight

I am not going to outpatient tonight. I am getting nothing from it. I'll go tomorrow, I think, but tonight I want to do some thinking. I disagree with the 12 Step model on a very basic level, and my therapist and others have said that sometimes you have to make up different rules for the ones you don't agree with, but then that's not really "working the program", is it? I can sit and listen to other addicts' stories until the Earth stops spinning, but I've already taken what I can from those stories: I don't want to drink anymore. And I'm sorry, maybe I am full of myself, but the other people seem more like sheep than anything else. Nobody is self-aware, nobody questions anything the people in charge say, they just follow along and believe without assessing what they are believing in. I think I can do this with SMART meetings and with my private counselor, who is a specialist in substance abuse. He probably won't be too happy with my decision to quit, if I decide I want to quit for good. But it is my choice in the end. I'm a grown man.

In a great mood today, despite being exhausted. Made a new friend on OK Cupid and we've been talking via FB all day. She likes space a lot, too. And makes cool paintings of it. I'm going to see if she wants to hang out some time.

So, after doing some research, I think I might have given myself Serotonin Syndrome last night. It's just an excess of serotonin that can be caused by taking too many serotonin boosting medications, which would make sense. The Trazodone might have pushed me over the edge, and the NyQuil cap contained both an antihistamine that is also a hypnotic and alcohol, which is also classified as a hypnotic. So is Trazodone. So, I think the combination of too much serotonin and the many forms of hypnotics in my bloodstream gave me the hallucinations. I am still, of course, going to talk to my psychiatrist about it.

So, so, so tired. It'll be an early bedtime for me. Also, I think being tired affects my anxiety levels, because it took all I had in me today not to text my ex in a fit of anxiety to tell them how much I missed them.