20

20 days sober! Two weeks out of the hospital sober, tomorrow. Fucking A, I am proud of myself. It was easy not to drink when I was in the hospital, because there was no option. I was so scared about getting out of detox, knowing I'd have to return to the real world where alcohol is everywhere. Until I quit drinking, I never noticed how alcohol is on every tv show, on huge billboards on the street, in movies, on bus ads - it's fucking everywhere. I was almost jealous of the other addicts I was with, because meth isn't advertised on the street, and you don't see heroin glamorized in tv shows.

I have social things planned this weekend! That's exciting. I need to get a run/work out in this weekend and I think I need somebody to do it with, to motivate me. I've been feeling preeeetttty lazy. I at least need to lift weights. My muscles are gone. :(

I smoked weed last night. It made me want to smoke a cigarette after, which I denied myself. For a second I wanted a beer to go with it, but that was an easy desire to squelch, as well. I'm going to get really good at denying myself stuff, after all this.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about fear and how debilitating it is. It's what's keeping me being happy... and from feeling better about my life of sobriety. It's scary to have to go through life fully experiencing everything. How will I ever date again without alcohol? I don't know how to meet people or get the nerve up to talk to people or the nerve up to make a move without being tipsy. Liquid courage. I'm probably going to be single for a really long time. Maybe it'll be good for me. Give my heart a break instead of getting a broken heart. Self-love. That shit is hard.