I emailed my therapist this morning about outpatient and how I don't wish to return to the program. Haven't heard back from him yet - I'm not sure if I'm going tonight or not.
I don't like the words "recovery," "remission," "user/using," or "addict." I don't like them referring to me, especially. I know I'm an addict and that I'm an alcoholic, but I am so much more than those words. I'm a gentle person, I'm sensitive, and yeah, I happened to drink away my 20's... but those words are so defining of something that is separate from who I am. I'm not my problem. Those words are like slaps to the face.
Today I was thinking about a life without drinking. For the rest of my life. That seems daunting, impossible even. The rest of my life? I'll never be able to drink "normally" or in a socially acceptable manner? Probably not. When I think of drinking, I think of doing something to change my life for a short time, to change my outlook. If I drink, I want to get drunk. It's been that way my entire drinking career. And I have an emotional response to never drinking again, it makes me sad. And it makes me feel sorry for myself.
It's becoming clearer to me that I will probably never be able to drink again, if I want a life. Reality is setting in. I took this upon myself because it was just too hard to live that way, and it made me hate myself, and I don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone, including myself. And I can certainly have fun without drinking, and my life will probably be more fulfilling, rewarding, and I'll probably get further in it as a sober person, but man, I sure did love getting fucked up. It gave me an excuse to skirt responsibilities and to never grow up. I extended my adolescence well into adulthood. I wish I could get fucked up a few times a year, but I think I'd have a hard time stopping after one good drunk. And I'm not interested in just having a couple drinks, which I know is indicative of my problem.
God. Lifestyle changes are hard. I know I am going to have to make a lot more changes, still. A new apartment will be good for me, I can't wait to move. Making more friends that don't drink is another step in the right direction. Figuring out my triggers and what set me off to begin with (I am pretty sure I know that one) are important steps to take. It's funny, I don't have a commitment problem in any other areas of my life, but I am scared shitless of committing to sobriety, even though I know I'll be much happier. Why wouldn't I want to be happier?
Feeling a little defeated today. It'll pass.
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