Here I am. Another day. One of my friends emailed me last night, saying my "fierce honesty fills her with love and gratitude." That made me feel really good when I was feeling really down. Thank you. Here is some more honesty:
The loneliness is terrible. I need to seek out some friends that don't drink because the my friends (that I love very much and are family to me) are social creatures, and socializing in the queer community means drinking. I want to be social, I want to be around people that aren't at an AA meeting or outpatient group. I want to have a picnic or go to the movies, I want to hang out with more than one person at a time, and do something besides watch a movie or talk - I'm sick of talking. If you've ever played The Sims, you know that you have to give your Sim enough social interaction in order for it to thrive. Well, I am a sad Sim right now. I don't know how to deal with feeling abandoned without drinking. And I want to go dancing! But I'm not sure if I'm ready to be surrounded by alcohol or people drinking yet.
I also want comfort. I want human touch. The baby I watch is a wonderful little spirit, and I get so much love from him, but I want grown-up love too. I just feel very alone (if you haven't gathered that from this post yet). Last night I almost said yes to this Ok Cupid date, that probably would have ended in casual sex, and would have left me feeling like shit, but at least somebody would have been touching me. I didn't go though. I used to do that when I was younger - hook up with people that I didn't know, putting myself in dangerous situations. Giving myself too freely to people that didn't even know or care what kind of person I am, just letting my body be used to fulfill some twisted idea of comfort. Goddammit. This is where loving myself comes in, and where I learn all those self-soothing skills that I didn't learn as a kid/teen/young adult. All I know how to do is take hot showers when I'm anxious, and I can't do that right now because the hot water in my building is shut off.
Sorry for this mopey post. I'm sure there will be others, because this is hard, and I'm learning all new coping skills. And damn right, this is a lonely process. And I feel gutted.
I didn't go to outpatient last night because I told them that I wouldn't be there on Wednesdays or Fridays. I watched a movie I'd rented from Netflix, ordered myself a pizza and got drowsy on the couch. Falling asleep naturally is pretty nice. I am not even smoking weed right now, because I get drug tested at outpatient, and the only other times I used to fall asleep naturally were when I was staying with a person I was seeing. I always tried to keep my using out of my relationships. My most recent partner didn't have any idea how bad it was until I told them, because when I'm out, I don't drink much. And I don't make a fool of myself when I am drunk. I'm a very calm and rather collected drunk - quiet, even.
Fuck, man, it'd be nice to have the added comfort of a romantic relationship - just that extra security and safe feeling. You know? Someday. I think something I need to learn in this life is patience. I have patience, but only a certain kind. People always think I'm really patient until they get to know me. I'm an addict; I want instant gratification. I know that isn't realistic, and I think that I fuck a lot of relationships up by not having enough patience. So, I guess in retrospect, I didn't keep my alcoholism out of my relationships at all. I should probably just be alone, anyway.
I missed a dose of the Campral yesterday and didn't feel any cravings. That's pretty cool. Maybe by the time my insurance runs out, I won't need it as much. I think I need a higher dose of Wellbutrin, but I'll give it another week before I ask for it. I'm getting a new psychiatrist soon, anyway. I don't like the guy I'm seeing.
Oh! Something else that makes me feel good! One of my bosses, the one that's in academia and has never been affectionate with me, upon seeing me she RAN over and hugged the hell out of me! That was really nice. And she's helping me try to find more LGBTQ/less Christian friendly groups.
Ok. Trying to be in a better mood. I'm grateful for the people that are reaching out to me. I'm grateful for all the people rooting for me. I'm grateful for the out-pour of love I've gotten, in person and online. I'm grateful for my roommates being supportive and not having alcohol in the house, and for their love. I'm grateful for my job, and my family, and the people that are willing to call me out on my shit. I'm grateful that I started this process, because in the end, even if it is hard now and it hurts a little, I will be a better person and I'll like myself a lot more. I'm grateful that I've decided to say "fuck you" to accounting and return to psychology, when I can, if I haven't forever fucked up my financial aid at NEIU. I'm grateful for my health and the person I've turned out to be, despite trauma. I think being a good person is a choice, and I could have chosen to be a real asshole. I'm grateful that I believe I'm a good person.
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