anxious

A little more anxiety in my life right now than usual. The kid I take care of is sick and for some reason I am really worried - more so than I usually am when he gets sick. Maybe it's just because I was there when it came on, he woke up from his nap in a weird, lethargic, mood and he was very cuddly. His skin was really hot to the touch, I noticed, when I was holding him, so I got out the thermometer. It was 100, so I gave him Tylenol and over the hour, his fever continued to go up. And he didn't want any of his favorite food (macaroni and cheese) or a popsicle or to go to the park. His moms said he didn't even want to watch tv tonight. Poor kid. He's one of the few things in my life that truly makes me happy and seeing him not feel good makes my heart hurt.

Another stressor is I realized that I am going to be late with my rent. Actually, the last day I can pay it is the 5th, so I'll write them a check and I'll be able to get money in my account by the time it goes through, but that shit is nerve-racking and it makes me feel shady, like my parents. It makes me think of my mother teaching me to run a strong magnet over the magnetized part of the check, to demagnetize it so the check has to be processed by hand and it takes longer that way. I hate fucking around with money.

I am also nervous about seeing my most recent ex this coming Thursday. I had a bit of a tantrum over intention and what I felt was her lack of follow-through, so we are gonna get together to talk, but now I don't want to talk about it. It was shitty of me to say anything. She's gonna deal with things and act according to her nature, and I am not the police. I just need to accept that she doesn't care/show she cares about people/relationships the same way I do and I need to stop trying to impress my values onto other people. I just don't think straight when I feel like I've been slighted or abandoned. It's my issue, not hers. I don't need to involve her in my issues, just like I don't need to take her issues personally. I will hopefully say this to her Thursday, in person. I hate it when I get all righteous.

My reaction to anxiety is to crave alcohol. I won't drink, but I want to. I'll drink some calming tea. Watch tv. Prep myself for the tutoring session I am giving in the morning before work (at 7:30 am!!). (I love gmat test prep, unless it's for a math degree, the math is so easy.)

Priorities in check.