selfish

I have this terrible feeling-producing thing that happens. I feel shitty when I want to save the world, because I feel like I'm projecting and I know I'm coming from the only true source I feel, which is my own self, and I feel shitty about wanting to save myself first - which would obviously save the entire human race. I know that I need to save myself first, otherwise I can't be healthy enough to save anything else. Right? That's what they (popular psychology) say and I really don't have a reason to disagree with them.

In short and maybe seemingly unrelated, I'm feeling suicidal. It happens all the time. It has happened, at its very lowest manifestation, six times a year. It's happened about every two weeks during the passed two years. And I drank tonight. I didn't tell anybody - it could be obvious to my roommates, though they aren't exactly privy to all the signs of my drunken behavior, unless I'm pretty drunk. It's fine. I wish I had somebody to talk to, maybe. Or just sit there and not talk about it.

Nothing is ok. It may never feel ok. I probably won;t ever feel "good." My goal is to live my life without taking it. That's kind of been my goal for the last 13 years. I wanted to die at 8. No joke.