I think I need to try a different antidepressant or add something else to my regimen, or up my dosage, or something. There is no reason I should feel even a little bit suicidal. I shouldn't be hard on myself about that - I know a lot of it is unhealthy thinking, but the feelings are there and I shouldn't invalidate myself.
Our lease is up at the end of July. Sometimes I think a change of scenery would be really good for me, like a move to another state, but I have this love/hate relationship with Chicago and I haven't been here a decade yet (August of next year!) and I'd still be the same person, just me in a different location. Maybe being around different people would be good though? A whole new set of friends that I am not tempted to use with. Or I could go to Wyoming and live with my aunt, or to Iowa to stay with my dad, something. Somewhere where I am more or less forced to be healthy. But then, I'd be in the middle of nowhere, and as a transsexual, that kind of scares me.
I almost went out last night to this benefit for the Chicago Dyke March, but then I didn't. I had a headache and then I started getting anxious about being around alcohol even though I probably would have been fine. And it was nice having the apartment to myself. I did some cleaning yesterday so I was enjoying the space and I love being alone, so, yeah. There's that.
Going to the beach with my new friend tomorrow afternoon, with the baby. We're having a picnic. Looking forward to that, for sure! I actually don't know if the other night was a date or not, but I'm not going to worry about it. I need to keep my pants on. I think having a crush on somebody might help me get over my last relationship, but that's probably not the best idea. Though it would be nice to feel wanted. And human touch would be nice. But. I need to be focusing on loving myself instead of distracting myself.
So there's that.
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