tornado

Well, I went a little crazy on Monday/Tuesday. Fuck. I still have my job though.

Trying to wrangle my shit together. I can't exist in crisis mode, its terrible. I can't let stupid holidays bother me. It's just another day, the holiday is just to generate capital. I have to figure out how to stop mourning her. It's hard, because it's like she's dead, but she isn't, she's sitting somewhere in Colorado with my siblings. But nothing is going to change that. I gotta get over this. I need thicker skin. I really do.

God. Sometimes I wish I could be somebody else, or that the process of shedding old/bad/unhealthy habits didn't take so long and wasn't so hard. I mean, if I break it down, it isn't that hard - I have a tendency towards feeling sorry for myself, and it doesn't have to be this hard, I know. So much of it is attitude. I can't keep up healthy behaviors for very long. Why is that? Well, it's easier to be a fuck up. A lot easier.

I was doing so well a few weeks ago. What changed? I keep trying to pinpoint it. Something about my thinking changed before the night that my neighbor asked if she could bring wine around me, and I started craving alcohol again after that. But I refuse to believe that it's just the chemistry of a brain changed by years of alcoholism. It's gotta be something to do with my thinking, too. Well, I know that I stopped feeling good about myself again, I lost my sense of pride again, somehow. I stopped remembering to control my cyclical thinking, and somewhere my healthy coping skills just flew out the window. I must be more conscious of that! I've gotta really embrace living in the present and keep it up. It's a fucking catch 22, though. It's so easy to lose track of the now and slip into the past or project into the future. The past is what really gets me, though.

Starting over. Two days sober. After tonight, 3.