anxious

A little more anxiety in my life right now than usual. The kid I take care of is sick and for some reason I am really worried - more so than I usually am when he gets sick. Maybe it's just because I was there when it came on, he woke up from his nap in a weird, lethargic, mood and he was very cuddly. His skin was really hot to the touch, I noticed, when I was holding him, so I got out the thermometer. It was 100, so I gave him Tylenol and over the hour, his fever continued to go up. And he didn't want any of his favorite food (macaroni and cheese) or a popsicle or to go to the park. His moms said he didn't even want to watch tv tonight. Poor kid. He's one of the few things in my life that truly makes me happy and seeing him not feel good makes my heart hurt.

Another stressor is I realized that I am going to be late with my rent. Actually, the last day I can pay it is the 5th, so I'll write them a check and I'll be able to get money in my account by the time it goes through, but that shit is nerve-racking and it makes me feel shady, like my parents. It makes me think of my mother teaching me to run a strong magnet over the magnetized part of the check, to demagnetize it so the check has to be processed by hand and it takes longer that way. I hate fucking around with money.

I am also nervous about seeing my most recent ex this coming Thursday. I had a bit of a tantrum over intention and what I felt was her lack of follow-through, so we are gonna get together to talk, but now I don't want to talk about it. It was shitty of me to say anything. She's gonna deal with things and act according to her nature, and I am not the police. I just need to accept that she doesn't care/show she cares about people/relationships the same way I do and I need to stop trying to impress my values onto other people. I just don't think straight when I feel like I've been slighted or abandoned. It's my issue, not hers. I don't need to involve her in my issues, just like I don't need to take her issues personally. I will hopefully say this to her Thursday, in person. I hate it when I get all righteous.

My reaction to anxiety is to crave alcohol. I won't drink, but I want to. I'll drink some calming tea. Watch tv. Prep myself for the tutoring session I am giving in the morning before work (at 7:30 am!!). (I love gmat test prep, unless it's for a math degree, the math is so easy.)

Priorities in check.

Gained weight.

summer

Man, I love summer. The kid and I went to the beach yesterday, and we're gonna go again today, and yesterday I met a friend for dinner and a movie and we ate outside and then killed time at the lake until the movie had to start. So nice. I need to figure something outside to do tonight... maybe I'll go for a jog and then hang out at the beach till the sun goes down and go night swimming.

Doing well with not drinking, still, but I had two glass of wine with dinner last night, and I know I'm playing with fire. Fuck this alcoholism shit. God, it's so hard to control. I can see how people see themselves as powerless over it. It's easier to say you're powerless than to muster up what little self control one has.

medication, change, sex, etc.

I think I need to try a different antidepressant or add something else to my regimen, or up my dosage, or something. There is no reason I should feel even a little bit suicidal. I shouldn't be hard on myself about that - I know a lot of it is unhealthy thinking, but the feelings are there and I shouldn't invalidate myself.

Our lease is up at the end of July. Sometimes I think a change of scenery would be really good for me, like a move to another state, but I have this love/hate relationship with Chicago and I haven't been here a decade yet (August of next year!) and I'd still be the same person, just me in a different location. Maybe being around different people would be good though? A whole new set of friends that I am not tempted to use with. Or I could go to Wyoming and live with my aunt, or to Iowa to stay with my dad, something. Somewhere where I am more or less forced to be healthy. But then, I'd be in the middle of nowhere, and as a transsexual, that kind of scares me.

I almost went out last night to this benefit for the Chicago Dyke March, but then I didn't. I had a headache and then I started getting anxious about being around alcohol even though I probably would have been fine. And it was nice having the apartment to myself. I did some cleaning yesterday so I was enjoying the space and I love being alone, so, yeah. There's that.

Going to the beach with my new friend tomorrow afternoon, with the baby. We're having a picnic. Looking forward to that, for sure! I actually don't know if the other night was a date or not, but I'm not going to worry about it. I need to keep my pants on. I think having a crush on somebody might help me get over my last relationship, but that's probably not the best idea. Though it would be nice to feel wanted. And human touch would be nice. But. I need to be focusing on loving myself instead of distracting myself.

So there's that.

date

I went on a date last night; it went well, I think. No funny business, I walked her home though. She lives less than a block from me, and I always see her around the neighborhood or at Target and stuff, so when she said something about being restless on FB last night, I asked her if she wanted to meet up. She was really excited about the idea. And she texted me and said she had a really good time, and hoped that I did, too. She wants to hang out again, soon. She's my age-ish, and in an open relationship with a main partner, so I think everything could be really casual, which is probably good. I told her about the alcoholism and stuff.

Dating might be a bad idea. I don't know. I don't know. I still really miss my ex.

Going down to the NATO protests tomorrow. Excited about that. Gonna get some good rest tonight.

selfish

I have this terrible feeling-producing thing that happens. I feel shitty when I want to save the world, because I feel like I'm projecting and I know I'm coming from the only true source I feel, which is my own self, and I feel shitty about wanting to save myself first - which would obviously save the entire human race. I know that I need to save myself first, otherwise I can't be healthy enough to save anything else. Right? That's what they (popular psychology) say and I really don't have a reason to disagree with them.

In short and maybe seemingly unrelated, I'm feeling suicidal. It happens all the time. It has happened, at its very lowest manifestation, six times a year. It's happened about every two weeks during the passed two years. And I drank tonight. I didn't tell anybody - it could be obvious to my roommates, though they aren't exactly privy to all the signs of my drunken behavior, unless I'm pretty drunk. It's fine. I wish I had somebody to talk to, maybe. Or just sit there and not talk about it.

Nothing is ok. It may never feel ok. I probably won;t ever feel "good." My goal is to live my life without taking it. That's kind of been my goal for the last 13 years. I wanted to die at 8. No joke.

tornado

Well, I went a little crazy on Monday/Tuesday. Fuck. I still have my job though.

Trying to wrangle my shit together. I can't exist in crisis mode, its terrible. I can't let stupid holidays bother me. It's just another day, the holiday is just to generate capital. I have to figure out how to stop mourning her. It's hard, because it's like she's dead, but she isn't, she's sitting somewhere in Colorado with my siblings. But nothing is going to change that. I gotta get over this. I need thicker skin. I really do.

God. Sometimes I wish I could be somebody else, or that the process of shedding old/bad/unhealthy habits didn't take so long and wasn't so hard. I mean, if I break it down, it isn't that hard - I have a tendency towards feeling sorry for myself, and it doesn't have to be this hard, I know. So much of it is attitude. I can't keep up healthy behaviors for very long. Why is that? Well, it's easier to be a fuck up. A lot easier.

I was doing so well a few weeks ago. What changed? I keep trying to pinpoint it. Something about my thinking changed before the night that my neighbor asked if she could bring wine around me, and I started craving alcohol again after that. But I refuse to believe that it's just the chemistry of a brain changed by years of alcoholism. It's gotta be something to do with my thinking, too. Well, I know that I stopped feeling good about myself again, I lost my sense of pride again, somehow. I stopped remembering to control my cyclical thinking, and somewhere my healthy coping skills just flew out the window. I must be more conscious of that! I've gotta really embrace living in the present and keep it up. It's a fucking catch 22, though. It's so easy to lose track of the now and slip into the past or project into the future. The past is what really gets me, though.

Starting over. Two days sober. After tonight, 3.

mother's day

I always get so bent out of shape on days that remind me of my mother, even though I tell myself that I won't make a big deal out of things this year. Everybody was busy yesterday, and I spent the day alone with my neck and back fucked up. So I bought a refurbished PS3 online. Looks like I'm gonna be playing a lot of Tony Hawk/The Sims/streaming Netflix.

Remember that self-control I was talking about? Ruined my run the other night. Texted my ex. Didn't hear back though, so there's that. Getting ignored is one of my biggest pet peeves, but it's probably for the best. I just wanted to put it out there, I guess. Better to try a little than not at all? I think I'm extra emotional right now because of hormones. I had terrible, horrible, no good, very bad cramps all weekend.

 Three things need to happen today/tonight: I need to finish my piece, I need to do my laundry, and I need to make plans to do something social tonight.

feeling good

It's in the 70's today and when the baby wakes up we're going to the beach or the bird sanctuary at Montrose Harbor.

I really want to get out of town and drive somewhere far away with the windows down. It's been a while since I got out of the city. Just for a day trip somewhere. Just so I can feel the warm wind in my hair, and get my left arm super tan and listen to road trip music and poke around somewhere that is new to me. I don't even care if I have a companion or where I end up. I could tent it or sleep in a crappy motel or sleep in the car. I don't care. I'm aching for a road trip. But I need to do things this weekend. I need to back up my hard drive and order a new hard drive and a new CMOS battery (let's hope the current one isn't soldered onto the motherboard - because I don't know where my soldering iron is) and I need to write a piece for the blog/salon that addresses recent homophobic comments made by the Huskers' assistant coach.

But what I really want to do is hike. And smoke joints and look at the stars. And fall asleep slightly scared of rustling leaves/fauna or the potential shoddy lock on the door of a shoddy hotel room somewhere off of I80. Actually, what I think I really want is to drive back to Nebraska for the weekend. That would be awesome. I'd probably go to Lincoln, not Omaha.

I'd like to take a second to pat myself on the back for employing self-control. Aside from the obvious, I also have refrained from initiating probably unwanted contact with my ex in the form whiny "I miss you" statements. Good job, Yoni.

33 days

I have to go to Omaha in June for a wedding. I might take my roommate/bff with me, so I have a sober buddy. It will be really hard not to drink in Omaha.

The cougar from the SMART meetings keeps posting on the Listserv about social things she's doing. Some of them sound pretty fun and I'm tempted to take her up on one of her offers. I don't think I'll be considered prey after I bring up the trans thing.

I need to keep busy at night, I've got to be engaged in things, because boredom is a tool of the devil. (I don't actually believe in the devil.) Also, because I get sad and lonely at night. Boredom+sad+lonely is not a good combination for an abstaining alcoholic. I've rented all the relatively decent movies from Redbox. Maybe there's some sort of volunteering thing I can do at night. Or maybe I should get another job. Or take a dance or boxing class. Start a book club that meets EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I've been fantasizing about my ex and I getting back together. That'd be perfect. I'd be kept busy some nights of the week in the best way possible. I miss her.

:P

a month

I celebrated a month of sobriety on Sunday! 30 whole days!

My friends got into town Friday night and then we spent Saturday doing all kinds of things. We went to breakfast at my favorite diner, walked to the lake, walked to Andersonville, then we went down to Navy Pier to check out the Green Festival (but it was $12 to get in, so we just got coffee and then went to find a some decent french fries). After we got back north from Navy Pier, we rested for an hour at my house and then went to meet another friend for dinner, whom I haven't seen in ages, even though we live in the same city. I should hang out with her more. Anyway, then after dinner we went to a show at the Empty Bottle. We saw this band I like, Suckers, and it was a pretty good show aside from this really annoying drunk chick that kept dancing into my friend. I think I like going to shows sober better. I remember everything and don't spend as much money, and don't feel like shit the next day.

Last night I experimented, and I kind of feel bad about it, but it's done. I tried to drink a glass of wine after dinner. Shiraz, which used to be one of my favorite kinds of wine. I couldn't stand the taste of it. I thought maybe it had turned or something, but it smelled fine, and it didn't taste peppery or vinegary like turned wine, it just tasted strong... and kind of like the taste you get in your mouth if you drink orange juice right after brushing your teeth. Terrible. Makes me wonder if I ever really liked wine in the first place? How did I get started on it? Actually, I remember having to choke it down when I first started drinking it at my parents house in Dove Creek. I wasn't drinking it for the taste, I was drinking it for the desired effect. Stupid.

I'm not going to count last night's experiment as a relapse. I didn't get drunk. I didn't even finish my glass of wine. I wasn't experiencing any outlandish cravings after and I'm not having them today.

Anyway, that's that. Onward ho!

is 28 days a month?

Well, I'm at four weeks of sobriety today. Is that a month? I guess it would be if it were February. I think I'll save my big reflection piece a couple of days more.

27

I have two friends coming into town tomorrow night, old friends from Omaha. It's going to be weird hanging out with Omaha people without doing what we do best: drinking. Man. I'm wishing I could go out with them and drink some craft beers, the expensive ones that taste delicious and hoppy.

I didn't take any Campral yesterday. I wanted to see how I felt on my own. It was ok, but towards the end of the night when I was sad (I often get sad at night for some reason - I wake up happy and typically fall asleep sad). I kept thinking about how nice it would be to get drunk. So I went to bed after taking a dose of the Campral and an anxiety pill. I think I might have been a little extra sad because of the exchange my ex and I had. It was pleasant, no hard feelings, it just made me sad because I have to find closure and part of me doesn't want to. That's me clinging to hope, and it's just going to hold me back from growing the way I need to right now.

Throat hurts. I'm coming down with the cold the kid I watch has. Feeling cruddy. 

Three more days till I hit a month sober!

26/therapy today

Today in therapy I talked about the eating disorder that I recently wrote about for In Our Words. My therapist was talking about neurological effects of eating disorders, especially starvation, on the brain. Then posed the question of how much/what damage that did to my developing brain. The frontal lobe is just starting its growth toward becoming fully formed by 25. Hmm. Something to research. I wonder if the malnutrition is one of the reasons my head is so small, too. It's abnormally small.

He wondered aloud at the correlation between eating disorder and substance abuse further down the line. Anorexia is an addiction, it would make sense to have other addiction problems.

The conversation turned to the way my mother treated me during that time, and during the rest of my teenage years. She was controlling and manipulative, she wanted me to depend on her for all my emotional needs when clearly I was trying to differentiate myself from her, which is normal and healthy for a child to want (need) to do. By her not dealing with the eating disorder as an eating disorder, she was making me dependent on her by not getting me outside help. By allowing me to be sick and weak, I had nobody else to turn to but her for anything I needed for survival. She made me more isolated by taking me out of school. She didn't address the other mental health problems that I was having at that time either. I didn't mention this in the piece I wrote for the salon, but during that time I was also extremely agoraphobic, I wouldn't leave the house for weeks. And I was also extremely paranoid. I was terrified of spontaneous human combustion (that I would somehow burst into flames), and of falling into a parallel universe where I would never see my family again (ala this episode of the Twilight Zone I saw as a kid), and I was a hypochondriac. The reason I didn't want to leave my house was because if I died, I wanted to die at home. That is not the sort of shit a 14 year old should be thinking about. I was not being taken care of properly.

He told me today that he thinks I probably have PTSD from all of the things that happened. I've thought that for a long time. He also asked me how it is, dealing with my emotions, without using alcohol to numb myself. I told him that I feel like I am/my brain is waking up. It's an entirely different feeling. At first I felt like an exposed nerve, and very afraid to let myself feel a full range of emotion. But it's a lot better now, and I'm reveling in the intricacy of emotion. I feel alive. And happy to be so.

up/down

Since I quit drinking, I've been really moody. Happy one second, sad the next, and angry in between. Totally fine with everything that's happening/happened recently, resentful and rueful in the next moment.

Feeling pretty negative tonight. Sad. I went to a vigil for a transwoman that was murdered here in Chicago and that made me think about the acquaintance that killed herself last month and how both of those lives could have been spared if we were serving our community better, if we were taking care of our own. And it made me miss the people I love. Life is so fragile. People are gone, in a snap of your fingers, just like that, they can disappear. And they're gone forever. I'll never see my joyful acquaintance out and about at queer events, being her magical self. Paige Clay will never grace her friends with her beautiful smile again. 

We've got to take care of what we've got and who we love, because they could not be there the next day. Cherish your relationships, all of them. Don't fuck up love, and don't make it fucked up.. Don't push people away, even if you think it'll be easier than going through a rough patch with them. Compromise. Make things work. If something seems broken, try to fix it before giving up. Don't give up. Forgive even if you don't forget. I'm no Christian, but I understand forgiveness and how holding onto things holds us back. Even shit with my family... I forgave my mom a while ago. I'll never forget, but she's mentally ill, and even if she knew how she was hurting us, the fact that she didn't care is enough to illustrate how fucked up she is. By some weird logic, she is absolved in a way. 

I'll probably make this private in the morning, when I'm less moody and feeling dumb.

day 25/reflections

Here's the piece I wrote on anorexia. I feel embarrassed and very naked, but, I don't know, writing and sharing it also makes me feel validated. I'm saying that this happened to me; I'm admitting it as much to myself as I am to the world. Also, this is the first time I've ever really written to an audience (aside from this or my old livejournal days, or the occasional blog I intend to be for public consumption and then have to frantically try to remove all traces of it from the public because I can't not be so personal), so it's really interesting and awesome getting feedback on my writing. It makes me feel confident in myself, and I feel part of something bigger than myself when people can relate. I used to long for the feeling of being a part of something bigger than me.

I wrote in my paper journal this morning that not drinking has become a part of my life, but I still don't feel like it's part of me, yet. I'm still hanging on to that thread of hope that I can one day drink like a normal person. Last night my roommate asked if our neighbor and bff could come over with a bottle of wine, and I had to say no, because I love wine, and I really wanted some the second the form of a wine bottle entered my thoughts. I salivated. And I thought about the ritual that I participated in 4-7 nights a week for 12 years, the process of feeling my feelings and anxiety slowly fade away into the background of drunkenness. I learned how to drink just enough that I was happy and sleepy. I've never been a binge drinker in the sense that I did crazy things (except for in my late teens and early 20s,) or vomited or anything. I just kept myself comfortably numb.

Thich Nhat Hanh says something about hope that's made me think a lot recently: "When I think deeply about the nature of hope, I see something tragic. Since we cling to our hope in the future, we do not focus our energies and capabilities on the present moment... Hope becomes a kind of obstacle. If you can refrain from hoping, you can bring yourself entirely into the present moment and discover the joy that is already here." I think this is an amazing observation. And it reminds me about my expectations (which are related to my perfectionism) and how I want to live a life without expectations, how I just want to be able to accept things the way they are, at the time they are. This time in my life is about learning to live in the present. I've lived in the past, and I obsess about the future and what it will bring and what I hope it will and will not bring, in a silly attempt to exert control over outcomes. But that's not possible. I especially want to learn not to place expectations on other people, especially when my expectations aren't in tune with what they are capable of or who they are. If I love somebody, I want to accept them unconditionally, unless they really threaten my well-being.
And I can't hope that one day I'll be able to drink like a normal person. That's already setting myself up for failure because it places a future expectation on myself, and if I love myself, I want to accept myself unconditionally, unless I am really threatening my own well-being. I have to accept myself in the now, and only in the now, because the future me with my future abilities doesn't exist yet. As of now, I cannot drink like a normal person, no matter how deceptively my brain urges me to believe I can. Not right now. Not in the present.

I've been thinking about my last relationship, and the one before it. And yeah, there were some things that weren't my fault in them, things I couldn't control, but I've been so unfair to people, and I've been equally unfair to myself. That is not how people love each other. I should have relished their individuality and been more conscious of why I loved them in the first place. I wrote my most recent ex last night, thanking them for being them, essentially. Because they made me see so much beauty in the world that I had forgotten about. I got so upset about them not returning texts fast enough or paying enough attention to me when I should have trusted that they were out doing amazing things and trying to make the world a better place for everybody, myself included. And I let myself get caught up in the anxiety I was creating within myself by feeding my own insecurities healthy chunks of meat instead of remembering how seeing them erased all those feelings of insecurity and fear. To quote Dune: "Fear is the mind-killer."

I fool myself into thinking that I am incredibly self-aware, and then I realize that I've been wrong about myself all along. I guess that's part of growing and rebuilding myself. This is the biggest personal endeavor I have ever taken on, rebuilding myself. I have to go back to where I started while trying to to hold onto things I learned along the way. Because I did grow during the time I was drinking, a lot, but now I have an opportunity to thrive.
Anyway. Now to quote Gummo: "Life is beautiful. Without it, we'd be dead."