update!

Well, ask the universe for something, and you get it, sometimes.

I am seeing someone and he, yes he, is pretty awesome. He's a cisgendered gay man. A bear, no less. And very tall! I feel like a relationship might be good for me. One of my triggers is loneliness.

I've been doing pretty well. My insurance runs out soon and I won't be able to afford therapy (but I hope to still be able to afford my antidepressants,) but I haven't been going regularly anyway. He doesn't challenge me enough. I have been drinking, but in moderation, and not often, aside from this weekend. I overdid it, it was Pride, and I don't regret it and I didn't do anything stupid and I didn't spend money, but I was hungover for the first time in a long time. I think that's enough to dissuade me from overdoing it again anytime soon. I really, really want to learn how to be able to drink socially. I thoroughly believe that while it'll be hard and a process, I can retrain myself. I think I have enough tools, at this point, and my coping skills are much better. And if I follow my rules, which I will because I really like rules, I think I'll be fine. No drinking to numb emotions. No drinking alone. No more than 3 drinks, except for on occasion. No drinking to escape anxiety.

I'm off the Campral, did I mention that? It started giving me intestinal problems and I was having cravings despite being on it, so I figured if I can save $60 a month, I might as well.

My mood has been good. I got over my most recent relationship. And then I just met this guy (actually, I've known him for a while and have had a crush on him for a while, too.) Work is going well, I am in the process of straightening out my school stuff so I can start again in the fall. My writing "career" is going well. I feel social and happy and I've been making new friends. Anxiety has been pretty ok, aside from waking up with heart palpitations the other day. That was the first time in a long time, though.

moving on

I am going to try my hand at dating again. Not drinking, at night, alone is really hard and I'm lonely and I think human touch would be therapeutic. I've also been having urges to hook up with people, and I don't want to do that because it isn't a healthy thing for me. I don't think I'll jump on the monogamy boat any time soon though. It just doesn't seem like a good idea at this time. I don't want to fall into another relationship too quickly and then have my heart broken, so I think I'll keep my heart out of things for the most part. I want pain and frustration free companionship... that's probably asking too much.

They always say in recovery groups, at least in the 12 Step model, that people trying to recover from addiction shouldn't get into relationships... but if it's more support, and if I am careful with my feelings, why would it be bad? I need all the support I can get. And I have needs, you know...

If it ends up being a bad idea, I'll end the experiment. And I'll be oh so honest with anybody I get involved with.

summer in the city

(I wrote this yesterday.)

Summer in Chicago is the best. I rode my bike downtown Monday evening to see Jonathan Richman at Millenniumm Park, and to meet one of my healthier Omaha friends and her boyfriend. I sort of fixed my brakes and I lubed up my chain so my bicycle ride was more pleasant than usual. I had a good time with them, they bought me a sandwich and we gossiped about our friends in common. I am super tired today because I drank a soda with caffeine in it last night at the concert, so I couldn't fall asleep even though I was pretty tired. No matter what I drink, I have problems!

Last Friday, I got a text from my boss that was supposed to be for her partner, saying that I smelled like beer. I don't know how I smelled like beer... I was wearing a jacket I recently got back from a friend. Maybe there was beer spilled on it? Who knows. She was really apologetic and stuff, and I totally understand her concern, but it kinda makes abstaining feel stupid, when I abstain. I have been drinking here and there, but not much, not frequently and I haven't been drinking alone. I think I am just going to go back to not drinking at all though, because yeah, I wish I could drink normally, but I can't, so even if I just have a beer, I'm obsessing about the way it makes me feel and stressing out about whether or not another one will send me over the edge. I've found this out: one or two drinks and I can stop. If I have a third, I can still stop but I'm itching to keep going. A fourth drink and I am fucked and will have two more. That's just too much to worry about. Just not drinking reduces my stress. And going out without drinking is fine, I get home at a decent hour because everybody starts to get drunk and sound stupid while they feel like they are getting smarter and smarter with each beverage, and I get annoyed and they smell bad, so I leave.

This weekend was hectic. I dogsat for a friend who lives way up off of Howard (the very north boundary of the City of Chicago) and I had odd jobs and two pieces due for the blog I'm writing for. I was running around a lot. Yesterday I ran around a lot too, running errands and then biking to and from downtown (15.2 miles round trip!) and today I expect to be pretty busy, as well. After work I'm meeting my ex somewhere in between our respective jobs to hang out and talk, and probably walk to the lake. After that I may or may not go to my roommate's presentation at DePaul for the Women's and Gender Studies program. The ex asked me if I was going, and I don't know if that was an invitation to go with her or just to see if I was going or not. I'll find out when I see her, if she doesn't cancel on me.

Tomorrow I am taking my first yoga class in about 22 years. I took it as a little kid, I think, either that or I just learned to balance my chakras. I am sort of excited and sort of full of dread.

anxious

A little more anxiety in my life right now than usual. The kid I take care of is sick and for some reason I am really worried - more so than I usually am when he gets sick. Maybe it's just because I was there when it came on, he woke up from his nap in a weird, lethargic, mood and he was very cuddly. His skin was really hot to the touch, I noticed, when I was holding him, so I got out the thermometer. It was 100, so I gave him Tylenol and over the hour, his fever continued to go up. And he didn't want any of his favorite food (macaroni and cheese) or a popsicle or to go to the park. His moms said he didn't even want to watch tv tonight. Poor kid. He's one of the few things in my life that truly makes me happy and seeing him not feel good makes my heart hurt.

Another stressor is I realized that I am going to be late with my rent. Actually, the last day I can pay it is the 5th, so I'll write them a check and I'll be able to get money in my account by the time it goes through, but that shit is nerve-racking and it makes me feel shady, like my parents. It makes me think of my mother teaching me to run a strong magnet over the magnetized part of the check, to demagnetize it so the check has to be processed by hand and it takes longer that way. I hate fucking around with money.

I am also nervous about seeing my most recent ex this coming Thursday. I had a bit of a tantrum over intention and what I felt was her lack of follow-through, so we are gonna get together to talk, but now I don't want to talk about it. It was shitty of me to say anything. She's gonna deal with things and act according to her nature, and I am not the police. I just need to accept that she doesn't care/show she cares about people/relationships the same way I do and I need to stop trying to impress my values onto other people. I just don't think straight when I feel like I've been slighted or abandoned. It's my issue, not hers. I don't need to involve her in my issues, just like I don't need to take her issues personally. I will hopefully say this to her Thursday, in person. I hate it when I get all righteous.

My reaction to anxiety is to crave alcohol. I won't drink, but I want to. I'll drink some calming tea. Watch tv. Prep myself for the tutoring session I am giving in the morning before work (at 7:30 am!!). (I love gmat test prep, unless it's for a math degree, the math is so easy.)

Priorities in check.

Gained weight.

summer

Man, I love summer. The kid and I went to the beach yesterday, and we're gonna go again today, and yesterday I met a friend for dinner and a movie and we ate outside and then killed time at the lake until the movie had to start. So nice. I need to figure something outside to do tonight... maybe I'll go for a jog and then hang out at the beach till the sun goes down and go night swimming.

Doing well with not drinking, still, but I had two glass of wine with dinner last night, and I know I'm playing with fire. Fuck this alcoholism shit. God, it's so hard to control. I can see how people see themselves as powerless over it. It's easier to say you're powerless than to muster up what little self control one has.

medication, change, sex, etc.

I think I need to try a different antidepressant or add something else to my regimen, or up my dosage, or something. There is no reason I should feel even a little bit suicidal. I shouldn't be hard on myself about that - I know a lot of it is unhealthy thinking, but the feelings are there and I shouldn't invalidate myself.

Our lease is up at the end of July. Sometimes I think a change of scenery would be really good for me, like a move to another state, but I have this love/hate relationship with Chicago and I haven't been here a decade yet (August of next year!) and I'd still be the same person, just me in a different location. Maybe being around different people would be good though? A whole new set of friends that I am not tempted to use with. Or I could go to Wyoming and live with my aunt, or to Iowa to stay with my dad, something. Somewhere where I am more or less forced to be healthy. But then, I'd be in the middle of nowhere, and as a transsexual, that kind of scares me.

I almost went out last night to this benefit for the Chicago Dyke March, but then I didn't. I had a headache and then I started getting anxious about being around alcohol even though I probably would have been fine. And it was nice having the apartment to myself. I did some cleaning yesterday so I was enjoying the space and I love being alone, so, yeah. There's that.

Going to the beach with my new friend tomorrow afternoon, with the baby. We're having a picnic. Looking forward to that, for sure! I actually don't know if the other night was a date or not, but I'm not going to worry about it. I need to keep my pants on. I think having a crush on somebody might help me get over my last relationship, but that's probably not the best idea. Though it would be nice to feel wanted. And human touch would be nice. But. I need to be focusing on loving myself instead of distracting myself.

So there's that.